August 27, 2010

Grumpy bought me a car and I am ME.

No food today.  I haven't had much to talk about lately (food that is).  When you eat alone for the most part, it is easy to not cook or bake.  I eat a lunch with friends and then dinner isn't all that desirable!  I hope to cook up something good at some point this weekend, but our lives are very different right now and time is always short. 

I spent last weekend with Grumpy in our new haunts.  We looked at duplexes, did some shopping and looked at cars & suv's.  I was very tempted to buy a pilot last Saturday but ended up chickening out.  Today however, I am going to pick up a car that Grumpy bought for me.  I can hear it in his voice, how happy and proud he is that he was able to buy me a car.  I love him for that.  Not for the car so much as for the feeling it gives him to give me something he knows I need.  He is the best husband.

These few weeks without him around has give me plenty of alone time to think.  A majority of the time in my life I felt unaccepted.  I was "different".  Whether it was in my secular or religious life.  I didn't fit in anywhere.  I did what I did to feel normal.  I married, had children, went to church.  But it was all an act.  Something I "thought" I needed to do to be happy.  I know now, that I went about things all the wrong way - but when you are young, it is hard to say "I am me.  Like me, hate me, be indifferent with me.  I don't care because I am happy that way."  I can say that now.  Its sad that I have to be almost 50 to be able to say that, but at least I still have a few good years left to be happy. 

I love my children.  I love my husband.  They are the strongest points in my life.  They have always loved me for who I am.  Not who they think I should be or what they wanted me to be.  I have other people in my life who have treated me the same.  I especially think of my Aunt Marlene & Uncle Gary.  They are like my second parents.  They have loved me unconditionally and been there for me in ways that I never expected them to be.  They have my total loyalty for the rest of my  life because of this. While it took some time for my parent's to accept me for who I really am, they have come to do so and I can see that they would do anything  for me. These are the people in my life closest to me now who allow me to be me and love me no matter what.  I have to say I am at the happiest and much of it is thanks to them.  The rest is because I learned to accept that people don't have to like me for me to be happy.

So, in just a few more weeks, Grumpy and I will head out on a new venture in our life.  We will be away from this family but closer to other family.  A new experience that has promise and happiness in the picture.  An opportunity for the both of us to move on and make changes in our life that otherwise we may not have done if we stayed where we were.  I have apprehension because I am leaving a job I have done for so long but change has happened there too.  Its not the same.  Its not bad, but not the same.  It is only appropriate that Grumpy & my life changes now at this point in time.  He has a new and wonderful opportunity for him.  I have an opportunity to do something different in my career.  Whether I choose to do so or not - we will see.   Right now things are up in the air for me.  Everything else is stable, but I have decisions to make for myself.  I look forward to it though.   With anxiousness, excitement, and fear - but all in a good way.

I know this is long and probably boring - especially to my readers who come here for food - but if you made it this far it is because you somehow "know" me and are interested in what I have to say.  :)  When I have more definites in my life, I will certainly come back to share.  :o)
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