Always in my heart

Nine years ago today I lost a piece of my heart.  It breaks my heart to not have Nanny with me and I still think about her every. single. day.  She had such an impact on my life, who she was and how she was.  I’ll never forget how she went on to everyone who would listen to her about the first pie I ever made and how it was the “best rhubarb pie” she had ever eaten.  I’m sure some of that was because I was her special little girl, her first grand baby.  Not that I’m any more special than all those who came after me.  I’m sure she had a special relationship with each and every one of her grandchildren.

Weekend mornings hopping in my car and driving around the corner to have breakfast with her, going shopping with her, making cookies and teddy bears, watching the Guiding Light and having dinner together when we were both alone.    She had the most beautiful and kind heart and she didn’t like to see anyone hurt.  Nanny put up with a lot of “crap” from family issues – and I certainly gave her my own dose of it – but she took me into her heart and home and would have done anything for me because of her wonderful unconditional love.

I wish she were here today.  She would know that Grumpy and I are now married as well as her first great-grandson, Justin.  At least she knew that Justin and Kristina were together before she passed.  Grumpy and I were preparing to tell people that we were engaged to get married and just a week before we were to announce our engagement, she passed away.  She never knew that Grumpy was going to remain a permanent fixture in my life.  We didn’t get to tell her.  She would be happy to know that Grumpy and I are still happily together after 12 years of being together and going on 8 of them married.  My Nanny.  I still have my memories but I sure wish I could cuddle up next to her again and smell the Avon Rich Moisture cream she wore every single day.  I just want to be held by her and feel the comfort of her love.  I miss her so much.


  1. says

    (((hugs))) Sending lots of love your way. This May will be 2 years since my Gram passed away and I miss her so much. It is such a blessing to have had amazing grandmothers but it is so difficult not having them here anymore. Sounds like you had a great relationship with her.

    • says

      I know you and your Grandma had a super special relationship Cristine. I think that is why we are drawn to each other out here in the big old WWW. I think that even though there is a good age gap between us, we are kindred spirits and are very much alike in many ways. Thank you for your virtual hugs…they are very much appreciated!

  2. says

    You are very fortunate that her beautiful soul is still with you. You have a treasure of memories to draw on when you become "Nanny" to your loved ones. You are blessed to be able to share her with them.
    When you cuddle with them you are still in your Nanny's arms.

    • says

      I sure hope I get the opportunity to cuddle with those little ones (who by the way haven't been born yet – if there are to be any). In the meantime I'll cuddle my grown babies as much as possible.

  3. says

    This is such a beautiful post. A week and a half ago, I lost my dad very suddenly. I didn't get to say goodbye, but we were incredibly close. We spoke on the phone 3-4 times a day. Luckily, I spoke to him the night before he passed and I was at his house for the Super Bowl two days before he passed, where he got to see his beloved Giants win. I get scared because I think… is it weird that I am thinking of him every minute of every day? Am I going to think about him every day? Will the pain ever subside? But the memories you share of your Nanny are so beautiful and the words you say are just AMAZING because I feel the same way. I want to hug my dad. My fiance and I are getting married in October and my heart is broken that he can't walk his little girl down the aisle. I want to feel the comfort of his love. He was my entire world and my best friend. Thank you for this post. You make me feel like my emotions are completely ok to have… and normal even. That it is ok to hurt and to miss and to love… there is nothing weird about that. Thank you for this. It could not have been more perfectly timed.

    • says

      Teanna, if I could reach out and hug you right now I would. I'm so sorry for your recent loss and no – there is nothing odd about the emotions you are having. Over time you will still have them but it will get easier even though you will NEVER forget. I have lost several people in my life in an unexpected way and that can be the hardest way to lose someone as I'm sure you are finding out. While we don't want to accept it we have no choice but to do so. Keeping them in your heart and memories is the only way we can go on. Love to you and I am happy to hear from you. It's been a long time!

  4. says

    I still think of my grandmother almost daily and it will be 30 years this year. Every time I make wine biscuits I remember making them with her and or playing cards I think of my grandfather who loved to play cards. It's nice to have wonderful memories even though we miss them. I think it's sad that some kids today are not as close to their grandparents.

    • says

      I agree Lisa, and I'm happy to say that I think my children do have great relationships with all of their grandparents. When my dad told me that he went ice fishing with my son recently, it filled my heart with some great comfort – knowing that even though I'm not there to keep them glued that they are keeping the bond on their own.

  5. says

    Yes you miss her so much but she 'is' with you. You just can't SEE her with your natural eye. God didn't create a whole bunch of us……..we are all one. :)
    Could it be that she is cuddling with you now?

  6. says

    Wonderful post. Thank you so much for sharing a glimpse of your relationship. It's so important to have such a connection to draw on later in life… and to pass on to the next generation.

    Great new look to the blog, too.

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